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Why God Created Pets

13 Nov

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, “Where do pets come from?”
And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.”
And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.


The Bear and the Rabbit

26 Oct

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said “Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes.. Bear, you go first.” The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said “I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.”
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. “Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.”
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, “I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.”
Then the rabbit got his third wish- the rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said “I wish that the bear was gay…”

A Blind Man Goes to Texas

26 Oct

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.” When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.” After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush,don’t flush!”

The Correct Story of “The Frog Prince”

22 Sep

Once upon a time,  a beautiful,  independent,  self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: Elegant lady,  I was once a handsome prince,  until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.  One kiss from you,  however,  and I will turn back into the handsome young prince that I am.

And then,  my sweet,  we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle,  with my mother,  where you can prepare my meals,  wash my clothes,  bear my children,  and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night,  as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs,  seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,  she chuckled and thought to herself:  “I don’t freakin’ think so”.

The Bathtub Test

29 May

During a visit to a psychiatric hospital,  a visitor asked the Director,  “How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?” “Well” said the Director,  “we fill up a bathtub,  then we offer them a teaspoon,  a teacup and a bucket and ask the person to empty the bathtub.  “Oh,  I understand” said the visitor,  “a normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the teaspoon or teacup”.  “No”  said the director,  “a normal person would just pull the plug.  Would you like a bed near the window?”

The Working Mans’ Wish

29 May

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home all day.  He wanted her to see what he was going through so he got down on his knees and prayed: Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 long hours while my wife merely stays at home.  I want her to know what I go through so, please,  allow her body to switch with mine for 1 day. Amen.

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the mans wish.  The next morning the man awoke as a woman.  He arose,  cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put the groceries away, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook, clean the cats’ litter box and bathed the dog.  Then,  it was already 1pm so he hurried home to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with one of them, set out the milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.  At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for the salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for dinner.

After dinner,  he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded the laundry, bathed the kids and put them to bed,  By then it was 9pm; he was exhausted and even though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately got down on his knees and prayed: Dear Lord. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.  Please, oh PLEASE let me go back to being the man. The Lord in His infinite wisdom replied: My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and will be happy to change things back the way they were.  You’ll just have to wait 9 months though, you got pregnant last night.

The Next “Survivor” Series

19 May

Six men will be dropped on a island with one car and three kids each for six weeks.  Each kid will take either music or dance lessons.  There is no fast food.  Each man must take care of his three kids;  keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete the science projects,  cook,  do laundry,  and pay a list of “pretend” bills with  not enough money.  In addition,  each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.  Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives and send out cards on time.  Each man must also take each child to the doctor’s appointment.  dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.  He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient trip to the Urgant Care Center.  He must also make 10 dozen cookies or cupcakes for a social/school function with less than twentyfour hours notice.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his assigned home,  planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.  The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.  The men must shave their legs,  wear uncomfortable but stylish shoes,  keep fingernails manicured and eyebrows groomed.  During one of the six weeks,  the men wil have to endure severe abdominal cramps,  bach aches,  and have extreme, unexplained mood swings,  but will not be permitted to complain or slow down from other duties.  They must attend weekly school meetings,  church,  and find time at least once to spend an afternoon in the park or similar setting.  They will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night,  and in the morning,  feed them,  dress them,  brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks and each father will be required to know all of the following information:  each child’s birthday,  height,  weight,  shoe size,  clothing sizes and doctor’s name.  Also,  the child’s weight at birth,  length, time of birth.  and length of labor,  each child’s favorite color,  favorite drink,  favorite toy,  what grade they are in and teachers’ name,  biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids will vote them off the island based on performance.  The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moments notice.  IF the last man does win,  he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years, eventually earning the right to be called Mother!