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The Perfect Couple

5 May

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling****.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

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Boiled Water Recipe

11 Apr

Boiling water is essential to many recipes. If you have never cooked before, don’t worry. It is not as difficult as it may appear. This recipe will guide you through the process, even if you have never set foot in a kitchen.
Special equipment: 12-quart stockpot
INGREDIENTS
serves 48, cooking time 5 minutes, total time varies
Water

PROCEDURES:
Open your cupboard or wherever it is you store your cookware.
Locate a 12-quart stockpot. If you do not have a 12-quart stockpot, you may use whatever size pot you have; in that event, keep in mind that serving size here is 1 cup and there are 4 cups in a quart. Do the math.
Place your pot in the sink under the tap. If you have never used a sink before, it is the large depression in your counter top. (If you live with someone else, they may have filled it with dirty dishes; in this case, wash them or simply remove them from the sink and place them in the oven ? someone else will eventually discover them there and wash them.)
Turn the cold-water knob to the “on” position. Some people (like my dad) prefer to let the water run a little bit. This is optional but encouraged ? if it’s a hot day or someone has previously used the “hot” water knob, the warmer water will eventually be replaced by truly cold water.
Fill stockpot to within a couple inches of the rim.
Lift stockpot from sink and transfer to stove. (Although appearances may vary, the stove is the thing with 4 or more circular metal bands on top of it; alternately, it may be a completely flat black glass surface. If you are unsure, ask your family, roommate, or neighbor for guidance.)
Find knob on stove that corresponds to the “burner” you have placed your pot on. In addition to words like “Right Front” or “Left Rear,” there are usually little pictures near the knobs to indicate position.
Turn knob to “High” and wait until water boils. Depending on strength of your stove and amount of water, the boiling time may vary. Note: DO NOT WATCH THE POT; it will never boil in the event that you do.
Boiled water may be used for any number of applications. Serve hot but do not drink.

Alternate methods:
Depending on water application, you may want to salt the water. Do this after the water has come to a boil.
Placing a lid on the pot will help it boil faster, with the additional benefit of blocking water from your line of sight, which, as stated above, inhibits the boiling process.

Image 6 Jan

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

29 Oct

A father, passing by his sons’ bedroom,  was astonished to see that his bed was neatly made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to “Dad”.  With a sinking feeling, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is  with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is so much older than me.  But it’s not only the passion-Dad- she’s pregnant.

Stacy says that we will be very happy.  She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  We share a dream of having many more children.  Stacy has opened my eyes to that fact the marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.  We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with other people who live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime,  we will pray that science finds a cure for Aids so Stacy can get better,  She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad, I’m fifteen and know how to take care of myself.

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Tom

 

P.S. Dad,  none of  the above is true.  I’m over at Steves’ house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.  Call me when it’s safe to come home.

 

 

Excerpts from the Dog and Cat Diary

5 Nov

Funny Pictures - Cat Diary
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

11 Signs of PMS

1 Sep

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

5. You’re using your cellphone to call every bumper sticker that reads,

“How’s my driving? –call 1-800-***-****”

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.

A Funny Story by Tony Gladstone

27 Jan

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